Relationship Insecurities

If you struggle with feeling insecure in your close relationships, learning about Attachment Theory can be life changing. The main principle behind Attachment Theory is that our sense of security with our parents or primary caregivers (when we are infants) impacts on how secure (or insecure) we become in our later adult relationships. Many decades of research show that infants’ social and emotional development is enhanced when they form a close bond with a primary caregiver who is able to attend to their cues and respond to their needs in a warm, sensitive, and timely way. If we have “good enough” experiences with attuned and responsive primary caregivers, we are likely to develop a sense of attachment security. Research shows that people who develop attachment security tend to have healthy and supportive adult relationships and are less prone to mental health difficulties.

However, sometimes things can go wrong in our childhood (or adult) relationships, and we may develop insecurities in our close relationships as a result. There are two dimensions of attachment insecurity: attachment anxiety or attachment avoidance. We may all find ourselves exhibiting signs of attachment anxiety and/or avoidance at times, depending on what is happening in our lives and close relationships. However, when these relational patterns are extreme and/or deeply ingrained, they may start to cause difficulty in our lives and relationships.
When we experience attachment anxiety, we may fear abandonment. We may need a lot of reassurance, and doubt that others love us. We may get emotionally triggered or panicky about close relationships, particularly when we perceive ourselves to be rejected or abandoned. We might focus too much on others’ feelings and needs, and then feel angry or frustrated when our own needs aren’t met.

By contrast, when we experience attachment avoidance, we may feel a strong need for self-reliance and emotional independence. We may find that romantic partners want to be more emotionally intimate than we feel comfortable being. When under stress we may withdraw from relationships and cut off from our emotions.
At one point our attachment patterns would have been adaptive and necessary for the environments we found ourselves in, especially if they originated in our childhoods. Therapy can help you to understand your own attachment patterns and how these may be affecting your relationships now. Therapy can also help you to develop a sense of attachment security - earned security - which can improve your relationships and your mental health.

I hope to provide a compassionate and safe therapeutic space for you to safely explore your attachment patterns, develop new coping styles, and move towards more security in your relationships. Please contact me if you would like to book a consultation.